In my Googling endeavors I really wanted to find out what I could expect in the hospital. What would happen with my baby, and I? Are there different weird rules? Do people still get to come? Honestly I didn’t find much, so heres my experience. So what’s it like in the hospital when your baby does not live? Its awful….. it still finds me in random panic attacks that no one sees because they just assume I’m being pensive or bitchy, but amidst the obvious trauma of the day, it was also beautiful. I can’t verify this because I am not a medical professional but there’s got to be a secret code, or hand signal or some type of protocol that lets the hospital staff know what’s going on in a room, because everyone we came into contact with was so loving, genuine and emphatic, but mostly they knew….. they knew what was going to happen and then later what had happened. We did not answer one stupid question while we were in the hospital.
I mentioned before that we had about an hour together as a family before Daisy passed. The best thing I remember is that her eyes were open and she saw us. As my C-section was being closed up I remember hearing Billy talking sweetly to her before they put her on my chest. We had photos taken and Dalli got to see her sister, and we got to see them together. Dalli was only 2 and didn’t really realize what was happening at the time, but as a 4 year old now, we look through those pictures together (happily for her secretly still so painful for me) and she is able to remember her little sister. One thing I wish I knew from a planning perspective was that they have a special cooling element that looks like a changing table of sorts (that’s the best description I can muster) it keeps the body cool and preserved so that you can choose to have as much time in the room as you need. Had I known that, I think there were those close to me who could have come to visit. I have a keepsake box that the hospital provides, with little mementos in it. I think an entire year went by before I could even look inside. The hospital also sends you home with a weighted teddy bear that feels like the weight of a baby is in your arms. This was an idea cerated by another amazing momma who had been through the same situation, and now they are provided in many hospitals. I’ve slept with that thing many nights in the beginning and Dalli now sleeps with it too. I said in an earlier post that it was both the longest and shortest day of my life…. I still believe that. I truly do still believe that God was felt in that room on March 2nd, it was as beautifully tragic as you can imagine. Those who may thinking right now “I can’t imagine” please know that that is a blessing, if you have faced this, or are in the process of facing this, please know that I see you, and I am you, and it’s ok to not be ok.
So what’s it like being a “bereaved parent” (also I dislike this phrase) In hindsight Daisy’s due date was April 19 2020, due to complications that are common with HPE she came March 2 2020… two weeks before schools shut down, Covid protocols, and life as we knew it changed. I can’t help but think about how different our experience would have been a month later during peak Covid panic. Had it been mid April our family wouldn’t have been able to meet Daisy and certainly no photographs taken to remember every precious second. Daisy coming early has been an occurrence that I have come to call a blessing and Covid is what I’ve come to call a huge time out for me. Ever fiber of my being could not wait to get back to “normal” to immerse myself in so many things that would keep my happy, distracted, and “normal” but that escape never came. We were socially distancing ourselves from each other and I had only myself and my two year old to keep me from the darkness. I would love to be typing the next sentences as a checklist of “how to get over grief” I do not have those answers nor do I believe any self help book, therapist, or pill can do that for an individual. I can tell you as the mother of a baby in Heaven there are weird things that will trigger me such as watching doctor shows. I used to love ALL the doctor shows Greys, The Good Doctor, ALL of them, but about every two episodes they have a storyline that involves a baby or a child and I have to quickly change it to Disney + if I plan on sleeping for the next week. My husband, whose a fireman, (whose gonna shit when he reads this part) occasionally has to respond to calls that involve children and is extremely affected for days afterwards. I can tell you the best thing I want to do as a mother of a baby in Heaven is to remember Daisy because she was real and she was here and she is important to us. In doing so, I hope to show my daughter here on earth a healthy example of living, and everyday that may look completely different from the day before ….. but thats ok. I come into our living room and often hear Dalli talking to her sister and her strength makes me so proud. I love that she loves her sister and she is so brave! So whats it like continuing on without a huge piece of your heart, it’s exactly how you would imagine, we don’t know how we do it, yet everyday we do.