It’s been four years since our sweet Daisy Jean went to heaven after the longest yet shortest hour I have experienced in my life. Oddly enough those years have seemingly passed in the blink of an eye, but as I read my past words and thoughts (as I seem to do annually) certain parts seem so very long ago. If you’re here for the first time, I encourage you to read from the beginning and get an idea about our familys’ journey. A year ago I added a blog post with all kinds of secret hormones and emotions going through my mind that I couldn’t even admit to myself in fear that I would jinx all the blessings that were coming to my family as I was expecting a baby. A sweet rainbow baby, a daisy among the weeds, a rose among the thorns, an onion ring among the french fries basically…….. a blessing that I never thought would come my way again, until it did. An added plot twist to this story of redemption, we were having a baby boy, officially uncharted territory for this girl mama.
Pregnancy after loss was a solid top 3 in the list of hardest things I have done. The regular roller coaster of emotions that accompany being pregnant resemble a ride on the carousel compared to the ride I experienced over those 38 weeks. I was so thankful to be expecting but I was terrified, even after doing high risk testing and checking everything possible. I was assured and reassured that this was going to be a healthy baby, but I couldn’t convince myself. I had tremendous guilt at my own lack of faith. The same faith that had carried me through the past four years had disappeared into the world of “what if’s” and it was truly a time of sleepless nights and panic attacks that I attempted to hide from husband. I wouldn’t allow my friends to throw me a baby shower, and I didn’t want to set up a nursery (although I have yet to decorate a single wall in the nursery, but mind your business he doesn’t even sleep in there yet and wallpaper is so dang hard) On November 3rd in the same hospital, with the same amazing O.B. and her awesome team, after another scheduled C-section, My sweet perfect William Colter Kissack AKA Prince William AKA Krash AKA The handsomest man in all the land…………………was born! I felt a happiness in my soul that is indescribable. Watching Dalli with him brings forth all kinds of emotions and even a bit of sadness knowing these are the feelings we were robbed of amidst the loss that we experienced. Dalli loves to proclaim that she has 2 siblings now and promptly corrects anyone who says I have two children now.
This year for Deeds For Daisy I hope you challenge yourselves to do a good deed, a warm fuzzy, a pay it forward, to someone who would least expect it. Big or small any deed is a reminder that we care enough to be good humans to one another. So many have experienced loss and we never know who is fighting a silent battle. On Thanksgiving my Granny went to be with Jesus (and Daisy and our dog Ziggy as Dalli says) and the grief has been a fickle bitch as per usual but I now know the things I am capable of and we will continue to make her proud. To those who continue to reach out and tell me of similar experiences that you have had, please know I appreciate your vulnerability and I hope you feel heard. I will always double down on “It’s O.K. to not be O.K. Don’t forget to to tag us #deedsfordaisy so we can share in your joy as well.