My husband I agreed that we needed time to process this information and how we were feeling before we attempted to tell our family about the Doctors findings. We thought it would be easier than having to tell everyone bad news, on what was supposed to be a day of fun, family, and food. WE….. WERE… SO….. F@#(%*……. WRONG! What we did not realize was how much this family was anticipating the new baby and because of this would want to talk about her. So now we were faced with conversations that reminded us our baby girl would probably not be coming home with us. We discussed perspective names (I like to tell people we are naming her Dilly so that I would now have Dilly and Dalli) I painfully pretended to be excited to discuss new nursery themes, and listened to everyone speculate about the type of big sister Dalli would be. I am proud to say I only had one mini breakdown in my closet the entire day. After the last guest left we hopelessly looked at each other in sheer exhaustion. I thought about the unknown amnio results, and hoped we wouldn’t be told that our genetics had caused this turmoil. It was in that moment my calm controlled demeanor melted away ……I was mad! It just wasn’t fair. Why was everything so difficult for our little family? Nothing ever came easy for us! Why would God choose this perfect man for me to spend the rest of my life with if our genetics were not compatible for creating life? Why was I so incomplete (faulty even) as a wife and a mother. Were we too demanding, even greedy, especially since we were given one miracle baby… why did we think we deserved two? My poor husband has had many front row seats to many meltdowns over the years, but nothing to this magnitude. He asked me if I wanted to cancel my daughters Birthday party (2 days after Thanksgiving) That was all I needed to return to business as usual. We had a party to put on! I had shit to do!
The Birthday
We realized from the way Thanksgiving went, we needed to tell our family and a few close friends in the hopes that it would make the Birthday party a little easier not expecting those awkward questions that gave me panic attacks to fake answer. It did help, but mostly we learned that telling others allowed us to activate this amazing support group of people who now understood what was happening but were also able to give us time and space to figure out our own emotions before asking questions of us. The day of my daughters birthday it rained…. it rained all damn day…. seriously people I cant make this stuff up. We were moving tables inside, deflating bounce houses, retreating on a large scale. It was a beautiful day of a crowded house, all the desserts, a million kids, and my precious toddler throwing a fit because we expected her to open her multitudes of thoughtful gifts (truly A-hole parents here). At the end of it all we were exhausted, almost zombie feeling, I know neither of us were sleeping very well. The thing about life is it does not slow down and wait for you. Not in the highest of highs or the lowest of lows. We continued on with our busy schedules and take it all one day at a time. We finally got the results of the amnio and it showed nothing out of the ordinary. This is good news if we decide to have children again, but a struggle when laying in bed at night and feeling the “why’s” creep into your thoughts.
Let me explain something very important about how we currently feel about everything we know. We are taking everything the doctors say very seriously and planning accordingly. We do not want to be in the moment of tragic events and not have discussed specific wishes we have for baby Dasiy, but that does not mean we have given up hope, we have lost our faith, or we are being negative. I see both of our testimony’s being strengthened daily because of the trial we are currently navigating. We will continue to hope, pray, and prepare for baby Daisy.